Facilitators: Morgan Strand & Tracy Dunstan, Nyack Library
11 am at Nyack Library
Agenda: Gaslighting
Introduction - Video - https://www.instagram.com/reel/CzexCOhI2hm/
Discussion of this article:
https://www.betterup.com/blog/gaslighting-at-work
Tie in to DEI & Intro Video- “Mansplaining, Whitesplaining”
Discuss Red Flags in Yourself
Anything else they would like to talk about
Red flags in yourself:
This list of warning signs for gaslighting in any situation:
You know something is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on what it is; you may even think you’re the problem.
You’re constantly second-guessing yourself.
You feel confused and even question your sanity—at work and at home.
You have trouble making simple decisions.
You take a step away from your friends and people who know you well for fear they will judge you.
You don’t feel like the same self you used to be.
You feel socially isolated.
You find yourself ruminating about conversations with your gaslighter—over and over and over.
You’re always apologizing.
Some signs are specific to the workplace:
You feel burnt out and exhausted by the interpersonal dynamics with your gaslighter.
You can’t remember when you last felt motivated.
You’re working far from your fullest potential.
You have an entirely different narrative and feeling about your workplace than your supervisor’s.
You’re stuck in your job and you don’t know why, because your boss keeps praising you.
These behaviors or characteristics are common among gaslighters, Kilmer says:
They regularly avoid taking responsibility and are quick to blame others for their mistakes.
They easily criticize others, but when they’re criticized, they quickly show rage.
They lack empathy for others.
They need constant admiration and validation from others to shore up their fragile ego.
They’re controlling.
They use and exploit others.
They have poor boundaries.
Source: https://www.themuse.com/advice/gaslighting-at-work-signs-examples-tips
Resources:
Anything else you would like to talk about?
Ice Breakers in case conversation stalls
What next? Are we burnt out? - https://annehelen.substack.com/p/the-librarians-are-not-okay
Privilege Layer Cake questions and activities from Dr. Bright’s page: http://www.kawannabright.info/uploads/1/3/2/6/132654087/privilege_layer_cake_guiding_questions.pdf
Notes:
Introductions
Bold Type Video - example of white privilege in job seeking.
There are economic disadvantages at play.
It sucks when you don’t get something you want, but it doesn’t help to blame it on someone else.
You can have a hard life and still be entitled.
If someone says you got something because of an intrinsic trait, it can be frustrating. You got it because of something you did.
Articles:
https://theinclusionsolution.me/a-point-of-view-gaslighting-in-diversity-and-inclusion/
https://www.betterup.com/blog/gaslighting-at-work
You start to feel like you’re a little crazy, second-guess yourself
Self-doubt crawls in
It’s good to have someone double-check you, or a neutral party can help
What are ways you have dealt with it?
Mental health day
Talk with a friend / get clarification
Reframe things when it starts to affect your self-esteem or health
Look out for each other, lift up each other
Trust the facts, keep fighting
Man-splaining and white-splaining can fall under this umbrella
Video from decoded - not letting people of color speak for themselves - it can come off as condescending.
Examples: co-workers who try to gain credibility based on their experience rather than their background. Ex: “I was raised in the Bronx” or “I read this article once.”
Almost any time someone says “actually…” when you put your worldview in front of someone else’s view
There’s also tone policing: when you tell someone to calm down or adjust their attitude.
A difference: when a white person explains to another white person why something is wrong but without appropriating their relationship to people of color.
Sometimes, people diminish your experience or equate it with their own.
A boundary is a boundary, it doesn’t matter what it is.
Open communication is important
What to do about EDI groups - if you are not being supported doing projects or being on committees
A public library had an internship that was paid and was for BIPOC students. Processing the checks meant tax witholding
Letting staff members talk about their own work during board meetings helps give better voice to the workers, rather than having them be part of a staff report, or having someone else speak for you.
Keep an eye on the board meetings and go to those board meetings - it normalizes that you’ll be there and consistently paying attention.